Going through a divorce is hard on the 2 parties involved in that legal (and emotional) process.   I have had both friends and family members who have gone through a divorce– and some have gone through multiple splits.  Often there are multiple people involved: parents of the divorcing couple as well as close friends. The one category that gets the least attention and has to handle the greatest amount of upset are the children who are involved in this life-shattering event.  While adult children seem to handle it better (but still must deal with a major emotional upheaval), the younger the child, the harder the journey of this tumultuous time becomes.  People often assume the child can and will forget about this dramatic change in their life. That’s not often the case.

As a child who has seen my mom go through 2 divorces and my biological father through 3, I realize that the road was rocky for me and my siblings. The loss, fear, anger, and confusion were often repressed along with witnessing numerous episodes of anger and frustration expressed by the parents. It makes it hard to trust the everyday events in the lives of children and parents, much less the scattershot events when parents are so visibly angry.  Unpredictability is common when a couple splits up and particularly so when parents use children as pawns. The adults try NOT to discuss the situation with the children but often end up doing it when dealing with their (soon-to-be-former) spouse. Children are too young to understand what’s going on and what their role is in the dismemberment of the family. The parents often don’t know how to step outside their personal perspective so that they can help their children. Children do adapt…… but it doesn’t mean that the adaptation that they have made is worthwhile material for them to use as they grow older.  Often the fear of being lost in the wake of all the events and the anger that was expressed, the adults want the children to suppress their emotional states because it’s too much for the adults to handle. Imagine what it’s like for the children.

I am lucky enough to share with you someone who has gone through the divorce trauma as a child and that she and her co-author/mother have created a book to help children of divorce be able to articulate their feelings and better understand the situation.
And for me who has experienced more than the average number of divorces going on both sides of my family, I was hesitant to face what I remember — and acknowledge that it had a serious impact on me both as a child right through becoming an adult. It also had an impact on my being a parent too.  That hesitation resulted in my difficulty in putting together this post. Sometimes, it’s better to walk through the bumpy parts so that one can regain some balance.

 Therapist Hara Wachholder has written an article to discuss the impact and the potential outcomes and effects of divorce.
I am sharing it with you so that if you are a child of a divorce, you can start to work through some things you might have buried and find some resolution. For those who are truly children, maybe this piece might cause the parents to pause and think about how to do what’s best for the children involved. And they could buy the book that Hara Wachholder and Karen Kaye created for children to use.

Divorce as Seen through the Eyes of a Child
By Hara Wachholder, LMHC

Divorce is a topic I am very familiar with, both personally and professionally. There are countless people who seek counseling in various areas of their life and to me; that is just another day at the office. However, my story hits a different type of nerve for me. It is a story that I had processed in my own therapy, but this is the first time I am sharing it with the public, so (deep breath) . . . here we go.

I have often heard the saying, “You were probably too young to remember this, but . . .” I can honestly say that I can recall quite a bit from my childhood even though I can’t seem to recall what I had for breakfast yesterday. I remember a lot, including some things that I wish were fuzzy. I know this sounds strange, but I remember my dad leaving. I was barely two years old, so obviously I was at an age when I could not fully comprehend what I was experiencing at the time, but I already knew I missed my dad and I wanted him to come home. Divorce is a topic I am very familiar with, both personally and professionally. There are countless people who seek counseling in various areas of their life and to me; that is just another day at the office. However, my story hits a different type of nerve for me. It is a story that I had processed in my own therapy, but this is the first time I am sharing it with the public, so (deep breath) . . . here we go.

As I mentioned before, my dad left when I was about eighteen months old. Just as I was trying to adapt to these changes as best as a toddler could, I met my dad’s new “friend” and her kids. I remember she took my hand and walked me around where she worked. I am sure a lot was going on behind the scenes between my parents, but again I was too young to put things together at the time. Fast forward to age four or five, I was introduced to a new friend: anger! Oh, and nightmares. Plenty of them. One recurring nightmare was my dad leaving me. I would wake up screaming and crying, filled with a mixture of sadness, anger, shame, and guilt. My mom would come running into my room to comfort me as I sobbed against her shoulder. Looking back now, I realized that the word that truly defined what I was feeling was powerless. My mom decided that she needed to do everything in her power to help me. So, she went to the bookstore and found several books that were supposed to help kids deal with their parents’ divorce. She would read them to me, but they often told stories of children that I could not relate to, or they were often telling me how I should feel, rather than allowing me the space to access my own feelings. It was frustrating and overwhelming.

It is fascinating how quickly we can adapt. I started to get used to going back and forth between my two homes. However, it was only for a short period of time that I felt “okay.” Fast forward again to around age ten. Just as I was starting to accept all the changes including separate homes, blended families, and different sets of rules, I had to endure a long and terrifying custody battle. I felt like my parents were playing tug of war with me in the middle! The anger that I thought had disappeared came back in full force and even brought additional feelings, including shame, grief, sadness, low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, just to name a few. That voice I was working so hard on developing was silenced as I decided to just say or do what I thought would please my parents as well as others. I not only lost my voice, but I lost myself.

That’s when my mom introduced me to a journal. What started out as doodling tiny drawings in a lined notebook became pages and pages filled with my innermost thoughts and feelings as I got older. I also learned some interesting techniques from my mom. She created “games” for us to play including what we called “give me the bad stuff,” which is where I would think of all the different things that were bothering me, shout, “I don’t like this,” while bundling them up into an invisible ball, and then handing them to my mom who would then pretend to throw them out the door or window. My mom would tell me that I am just a kid, so I did not need to hold on to all this “yucky stuff” inside. It was the first time in a while that I felt like I had a voice. It was wonderful! I would also scream into or hit my pillow as if it were a punching bag. Pretty creative stuff, right? As my mom always says, “It takes a village,” and boy was she right! I lucked out by having such an amazing support system at my elementary school. My guidance counselor established a support group for children of divorced or divorcing parents, and it truly helped to normalize what I was feeling. I was able to speak to peers my own age going through the same things, which was helpful as many of my close friends could not relate to what I was experiencing. I was given safe, nonjudgmental outlets to express myself, and little by little I felt better.

So why am I sharing my story? Well, today as a therapist I now listen to other children’s stories. Divorce is definitely not pretty, but it does not have to be so ugly! Whether the parents decide to “stay together for the children” or go their separate ways, children are getting pulled into the chaos. Sometimes, children will pretend they don’t know what is going on or act as if they don’t care, but trust me when I say it all leaves an impact.

My book, My Parents Are Getting a Divorce . . . I Wonder What Will Happen to Me, is an interactive workbook that was created by my mother and me during the terrifying custody battle that took place between my parents. I felt it was imperative that I assist as many children as possible to help them explore and uncover their innermost thoughts and feelings regarding their parents’ divorce. Within the pages of the book, children are encouraged to write and draw as well as ask questions to get in touch with what is inside that needs to be healed.

  Letter of Praise from another author and expert in the field

About the authors:

Karen Kaye, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor with the State of Florida and received her master’s degree in family therapy from the University of Maryland. For fifteen years she has written a column titled “Ask the Therapist” in the Natural Awakenings Magazine of Broward County, Florida. My Parents Are Getting a Divorce came to life through Karen’s efforts to keep her own child out of the middle of her divorce when Hara was young. The book has been an evolutionary healing process for her and her daughter.

Hara Wachholder, LMHC is a licensed mental health counselor with the State of Florida and received her master’s degree in counseling from Nova Southeastern University. It was after the resolution of the long-winded custody battle between her parents that Hara recognized her calling to help others going through the same struggle. Hara Wachholder is currently the clinical director for a family therapy center located in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

For more information please, visit www.imstillmebook.com. 

This book is available on Amazon.com  along with other booksellers found on this page.

Thanks to Hara Wachholder and Karen Kaye for their book for children to work through the emotional waves that they will have to navigate. I  would like to express my deep appreciation for Hara Wachholder’s essay that I have been allowed to feature here!

Stevie Wilson,
LA-Story.com

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