The holidays are thought of a joyful, fun times with family and friends. At least that’s what we see on TV and in movies. Unfortunately that’s a piecrust promise (“easily made and easily broken” Mary Poppins!) and one that people think is so easy to create that atmosphere but voila, the adorable picture of everyone happy together explodes into something else when we actually get to that day. Thankfully, Chicago-based Dr. Anne Brennan Malec has some tips and tricks on how to deal with the holidays without enduring unnecesary turmoil. She also has a book Marriage in Modern Life: Why it Works, When it Works.
With the holidays right around the corner, it’s not so much the shopping, cooking the meals, or preparing for visits from family and friends that gets most couples stressed out; many would say it’s having to make difficult choices about where to spend their time.
Do they go to her family? Do they go his family? Do they divide up their time to make everyone happy? Do they host everyone? Or, is it easier to avoid conflict completely by going to a friend’s house or staying home and celebrating the holidays on their own?
“These are the types of questions that couples often struggle with prior to family gatherings and holidays,” explains Dr. Anne Brennan Malec (http://www.drannemalec.com/), a Chicago-based clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family therapist, who is also the author of the new book, Marriage in Modern Life: Why it Works, When it Works.
Available for purchase at Amazon.com
“Most people would think that it’s typically newlyweds who are struggling with where to spend the holidays, but that’s not the case,” she adds. “Unfortunately, many couples experience this type of stress year after year, because they haven’t found a way to come together and make a game plan that works.”
Dr. Malec has seen this situation over and over again in her practice and has developed several tips to help couples keep peace with each other and their families during the holiday season, including:
Planning Ahead
Start planning for the holidays as soon as possible and communicate your plans to your families sooner rather than later. This is extremely important to avoid hurt feelings from either side of the family. They may not be happy with your decision, but at least they will have time to work through their disappointments and accept what’s to be.
Making a To Do List
If the holidays will be celebrated at your home, develop a list of all that needs to be done, when tasks should be completed, and which ones should be delegated. Try to divide this list as equitably as possible. If you are asking family members to pitch in, then each of you should be responsible for assigning tasks to your own family members. The responsibility shouldn’t fall on one person to make assignments for all. That’s simply too much pressure!
Creating Memories
With the holidays, I always stress the importance of couples creating their own memories and traditions. They need to figure out what they want and/or need to create memorable holidays for themselves, and not just go along with what family traditions have been in the past.
Saying No
Don’t be afraid to say no; and most importantly, don’t agree to a plan only to be resentful about it later. During the holidays, especially, obligations can become overwhelming. Learning to say no and standing firm is critical for couples.
Communication is Key
Be sure to talk about each of your expectations during the holidays. Discuss the types of family situations that either one of you might struggle with and how to best avoid them (i.e. like the cousin who drinks too much and creates a scene or a nosey relative who asks too many questions). Some couples consider creating a private language that allows them to communicate with each other using a look or a gesture. I encourage couples to use this “secret code” when a situation occurs that one or the other would like to move away from.
“The holidays can be challenging for many couples,” concludes Malec. “We’d all like to believe that holiday gatherings should be joyful and stress-free, but this isn’t always true,” she says. “Family relationships are often complicated, but with a bit of pre-planning and open, honest communication, couples can form a united front and truly enjoy the spirit of the season.”
About Dr. Malec
Dr. Anne Brennan Malec is a licensed clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist with over a decade of experience. As founder of Symmetry Counseling (http://www.symmetrycounseling.com/), Malec and her team help thousands of couples handle life’s pressures and turn around challenged relationships. Dr. Malec earned her Bachelor’s degree from Villanova University in Accountancy and holds two Master’s degrees: one in Liberal Studies from DePaul University, and one in Marital and Family Therapy from Northwestern University. She earned her Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. She is the author of the new book, Marriage in Modern Life: Why it Works, When it Works, available on Amazon. To learn more, visit www.drannemalec.com
Website: www.drannemalec.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrAnneBrennanMalecAuthor
Twitter: https://twitter.com/DrAMalecAuthor
Thankyou to Dr. Malec for this great essay and the terrific — and useful — tips included in it! One of the hardest things is to say no and do it in such a way that 1) you don’t blow up, 2) you make it clear that you mean it and 3) you aren’t going to back down and be “guilted” into changing your mind. We all can learn how to have better, happier and more memorable (in a positive way) holidays by learning from this post and also from Dr. Malec’s book!
Stevie Wilson,
LA-Story.com
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